A New Kind of Sniper
by Fongzilla
Summary: It feels like a normal day at work, but the RED Sniper is about to get a shock.
1. Chapter 1

It was high noon at the Badwater Basin. Only the Administrator's booming voice was heard throughout the area, slowly counting down to one. "Mission begins in thirty seconds." In the RED spawn room, the team was making the final preparations for the battle. Medic had his Medigun to full charge, and the Heavy was spinning up his gun. The spook was in the corner, finishing his cigarette. Pyro and the Demoman were both checking their weapons. The Soldier was standing at attention, and the Scout was limbering up. The Engineer was already constructing his first sentry. And the Sniper was by himself, polishing his gun, aligning the scope, and making sure his weapon was in working order. "Five, four, three, two, one..." The siren sounded and the gates opened. The Heavy and the Medic roared out of spawn, followed by the Demo and Pyro. Sniper snuck out through a more discreet route, towards his favourite perch.

The battle was nearly over. The BLUs didn't have enough time to get the cart to the objective, and the RED team was providing more than a solid resistance. Sniper let loose a round, and could've sworn he heard the BLU Medic scream as he dropped, a neat hole in his head. His medigun fell to the ground, the light dying even as the azure beam started to pulse with the glow of an übercharge. The Pyro he was following careened around the corner, right into the embrace of a quadruplet of sentry rockets. He died surprised, wondering where his Medic was. Sniper chuckled. There was a minute left on the clock. The RED team had won the day. But that didn't mean the killing wasn't still going on. The BLU Spy faded into visibility behind the Australian. Within a second, the spook had jerked the Sniper's head back, and put his knife to the bushman's jugular. The Sniper leered at the BLU devil as he snickered. Suddenly, a shout sounded from behind the pair. It sounded like Sniper, but... it was something else entirely.

"TEA-RATE!" came the yell, in the same style that the Sniper would have called when he was throwing his signature Jarate. The Spy was immediately covered in a brown liquid. He screamed with disgust, and dematerialised. The Sniper dropped to the ground as the soaked figure bolted away. When he opened his eyes, he saw himself, standing over him. Which wasn't unusual. There was sometimes a duplicate of one of the team members, being controlled by an outsider wishing to join the battle. But it was different this time. The man standing over him was wearing a bowler hat, not the Sniper's trademark slouch hat. He had on a hiking pack, similar to the Siper's Cozy Camper, but with a few subtle differences. Instead of a koala holding the Australian flag, the Sniper could see a lion holding a white flag with a red cross on it. As the stranger helped him to his feet, the bushman saw that the vest he was wearing was not made out of crocodile leather like his was, but was the upper part of a tuxedo. "Thanks for that. Now oo' the bloody 'ell are ya?" questioned the Sniper. "I'm the BritSniper, right, 'oo the hell are yer?" the stranger said in a cockney accent. The Australian stared with bemusement. The more he looked, the more he saw. The jar that the British man carried was filled with brown liquid, which could only be tea, from an urn on his back. The flag the lion in the pack carried was the flag of England. A small keychain proved, on closer inspection, to be a miniature of the TARDIS from Doctor Who. The man was, in short, a walking microcosm of England. He even had a multicoloured scarf around his neck, which, as far as the Australian Sniper knew, belonged to the Fourth Doctor. The bell and victory tone sounded, even as the BritSniper started to say "Well, are we gonna just stand 'ere or are we gonna do sumfink?" Sniper cocked his head towards the RED base. "Come on. Th' guys are gonna love this..."


	2. Chapter 2

Sniper and BritSniper made their way slowly through the battlefield, avoiding the payload bomb, sitting abandoned on the rails as it was, and into the secret entrance in the spawn room to the living and leisure quarters. He encountered the Heavy and the Scout, arguing over who performed best in the day's battle.

"Look here, pally, the numbers don't lie! I bashed 23 skulls in with this thing alone today!" Said the Scout proudly, pointing to the small kill counter on his prototype 'Strange' baseball bat.

"Nyet. Heavy did better. Between Sashcha, my fists, and my shotgun, I killed 32 leetle BLU babies."

"Er, guys?" The Sniper interjected. The Heavy and the Scout didn't listen, and argued further.

Sniper, who was already sick to death of the pair's bickering, promptly shouted "OI! WANKAHS!"

It certainly stopped them fighting.

Heavy and Scout stared at the man standing behind Sniper, clad as he was in his British attire. They took in the scarf, the backpack, the tuxedo. Scout, talkative as he was, snapped out of his speechlessness first.

"Who the hell are you?"

The British man replied with "I'm the bleedin' Sniper, right, 'oo on earff are yer?"

"But the Sniper's right there!"

The Australian Sniper stepped between them. "Look he's one a them clones of us. But 'e's different. 'E's all British."

The Heavy stirred, and spoke. "Other Sniper looks like regular Sniper. Is no difference. Except for silly clothes."

The BritSniper was offended. "I 'ave a look completely different ter this fairy! We just boff snipe fings, right, that's all. And me kit ain't silly."

Heavy shrugged, and went back to reading. "Fine. Big difference between Old and New Sniper. Clothes are still silly though." Scout had already lost interest, and was again reading his comic books.

The next teammate the two Snipers encountered was the Spy. Stopping dead as soon as he saw the pair, he said nothing but "TWO bushmen? Oh, merde." And with that, he stepped into his room. The key clicked in the lock.

"Heh. The spook's kinda touchy. Frenchmen, eh?" The Australian Sniper remarked to BritSniper.

"Don't mention the French 'round me."

Australian Sniper, deciding to leave the subject alone, led the other man to Medic's office. He could hear the Medic and what sounded like the Engineer talking through the door.

Australian Sniper gave BritSniper a word of warning. "Ah, this'll be great. Them science types. Don't blame me if they start pokin' things at ya." Australian Sniper opened the door, and the Texan and the German immediately stopped talking.

The Engie recovered rom his initial shock at seeing the Englishman first, stood, and shook BritSniper's hands. "Howdy partner. I'm the Engineer, but you can call me Engie. Everyone else does." The Medic, meanwhile, was walking in circles around BritSniper, examining his dress and physical shape.

"Hmmm, you are in ze same physical shape as Sniper. Which is to say, you are a wreck."

BritSniper opened his mouth in protest, but Australian Sniper, seeking to avoid a medical debate, elbowed him in the ribs.

"Roight, we'll be off now."

The two Snipers tiptoed past Demo's room.

BritSniper questioned "Why can't we go in there?"

The other man replied with "E's sleepin off another 'angover. Best not ter disturb him.

Australian Sniper then said "Welp, that's almost everyone. D'ya loike the base?"

"It's a bit wee."

"Eh. It's home."

BritSniper paused for a moment. "Wotcher mean, almost all of the team?"

"Well, ya haven't met th' Pyro or Solly yet. Solly'll be out on his run, an' Pyro's probably burnin somethin in 'is room."

"Can we go meet the Pyro?"

Australian Sniper grimaced. "Don't say oi didn't warn ya. 'E's an odd personality."

As they made their way down the corridor towards Pyro's quarters, the plaster of the walls changed to fireproof ceramic, and scorch marks on the walls became common.

BritSniper, beginning to regret his decision, stammered "W-woss this fin' we're gonna see?"

Australian Sniper told him. "E's the Pyro. E' burns stuff."

They reached a door in the ceramic wall. Australian Sniper gave the door a sharp rap. "Oi, firebug, open up!"

The door opened. A person, who was undoubtably the Pyro, peeked out.

BritSniper was taken aback by the squat figure in the fireproof suit and the gas mask.

"Careful, 'e's a bit curious with new people." Australian Sniper gave a word of warning.

Pyro walked around BritSniper, looking at the strange clothes. He felt the end of BritSniper's Fourth Doctor scarf.

"Hudd hudda hurr!" The words were unrecognisable through the gas mask.

Australian Sniper played translator. "E' says e' loikes yer scarf."

Suddenly, the Pyro let out a noise that could not be mistaken for anything but joy, and gave the BritSniper a hug.

Australian Sniper seemed amused. "And e' loikes you too."

BritSniper hugged the Pyro back, and gave him a jar of tea. "Give it a go. It's not like 'is stuff, right, yer can drink it."

Pyro let out a cheerful "Hudda hurr!" and walked back into his room.

As they walked down the corridor to the main part of the base, Australian Sniper nudged BritSniper.

"Oo says ya can't drink moi stuff?"


	3. Chapter 3

BritSniper and Australian Sniper had just entered the common room when the Heavy called them over to the door. "There ees messenger at door for tiny baby men."

Curious, the pair made their way to the main door. Miss Pauling was standing outside.

The purple-clad woman said "Good afternoon, gentlemen. How are you, Sniper?"

Australian Sniper responded with a muttered "Yeah, oim doin alroight, how bout yerself?"

"Quite good. Now. About your friend." Ms. Pauling adjusted her glasses, and gave a pointed look to BritSniper.

"If he wants to stay, he'll have to come in for an interview with the Administrator."

Australian Sniper was taken aback. "But oi didn't have t' do that..."

Ms. Pauling wasn't interested. "Well, he does. Come with me, Mr?..."

BritSniper shifted uncomfortably. He wasn't good with women. "Call me BritSniper. Arright then, we'll go for this interview."

The pair walked to a car that was idling in the desert, just outside the chain link fence. Australian Sniper waved goodbye, and walked back into the living area.

Ms. Pauling and BritSniper drove through the desert for an hour and a half, not saying a word. Eventually, they reached what seemed like an office complex with a huge skyscraper towering over it, atop which there was the words 'Mann Co.'. Ms. Pauling led BritSniper into the skyscraper, ignoring the offices, and told him that the Administrator, whomever that was, would be with him shortly.

A few minutes later, another woman in purple, this time much older and with a cigarette, walked in and sat down.

She spoke with a commanding tone, her words given the slightest rasp by her smoking habit.

"You are the BritSniper?" she questioned in a rather short tone.

BritSniper replied in kind. "Yeah. That's me."

The Administrator, for that's undoubtably who this was, wrote something on a clipboard she had picked up from a nearby desk.

"Date of birth?"

"London, UK."

The Administrator looked up and arched an eyebrow. "Date of birth?"

BritSniper again responded with "London, UK."

The Administrator, never one to waste time, put a placeholder in the D.O.B. box, and asked "Place of origin?"

BritSniper shifted uncomfortably. He didn't like talking about his home town.

"Aberdeen, UK."

Making a note, the Administrator set aside her clipboard. "Now. How did you get into the compound?"

BritSniper gave the Administrator a dry look. "Wotcher mean, right, yor the bloody one 'oo's apparently all-seein' and all-knowin'! Yer tell me! Struth!"

The Administrator, unfazed, replied with a question of her own. "You mean to say you don't know how you got here?"

BritSniper scoffed. "No! Struth! I just woke up in that wite room! Oi! Before that I were..."

The Administrator, clearly wanting the conversation to hurry along, prompted BritSniper. "You were what?"

Clearly confused, BritSniper said "I... I don't know. I don't remember anyfink before wakin' up."

The Administrator had lost patience. "Get out. That's all I need to know."

Slamming the door behind him, BritSniper walked away.

Having returned to base after another long car ride, this time on his own, BritSniper polished his rifle before being called into Medic's office.

"Now, Herr BritSniper. I must haf you physically examined, to make sure you ah fit for battle." Medic seemed excited by the prospect. He had never examined a being seemingly brought into existence by respawn before.

For the next hour, Medic ran a battery of tests on BritSniper, physical and mental, as well as specialised reflex and accuracy tests that he had used to test Sniper on his first day.

BritSniper scored very close or identical to Sniper on every test.

Medic gave him leave to go, saying "You appear to haf a clean bill of health. See you in battle."

BritSniper headed for the common room, where he heard the distinctive sound of a game of cards being played. In that he heard the sound of a skull fracturing.


	4. Chapter 4

"HEAVY DID NOT CHEAT!"

"THE FUCK YOU DIDN'T, PALLY!"

The common room was a mess. The small table had been flipped over, and there were cards strewn everywhere. BritSniper watched as the Scout attempted to bring his bat down on the Heavy's skull again.

"Wot the bleedin' hell is gahn on?"

Medic had followed BritSniper up the corridor, having heard the commotion. The older man attempted to separate the feuding pair.

"Stop! You are both acting like small children!"

Heavy left the room, glaring at Scout. Scout belatedly attempted to clean up the cards and the table, but the Pyro, who had been sitting on the couch looking through a Mann Co. catalogue, had already set it to rights.

BritSniper was incredulous. "This 'appens a bit?"

Medic replied "Ya. Zhey are good friends, as long as zhere are absolutely no competitive activities involved."

Pyro agreed. "Mmm hmmmm." he said while nodding his head.

BritSniper shook his own. "Hell fire. That's ridiculous."

Medic and Pyro both shrugged.

Wandering through the base, BritSniper ran into Soldier, who was jogging.

"Morning, private."

BritSniper seemed unfazed by the ordinarily somewhat intimidating man. "And good mornin' ter yer, mate."

BritSniper walked on, and bumped into something invisible. SOMEONE invisible.

The Spy decloaked and brushed off his suit. "Many apologies."

BritSniper shook it off. "Don't matter. S'awright. So, uh, right, wotcher lads do on yor off days?"

Spy said nonchalantly "Well, we each have our own pastimes. Sniper likes to sit on the roof, shoot at the desert animals. I prefer to engage in stealth practice. There is never such a thing as too much training."

With that, the Frenchman cloaked again and snuck off to another corner of the facility.

BritSniper turned to go. Spy decloaked again at the end of the corridor. "Oh, there is also ze basements. We never go down there, but you may want to check it out."

He walked away again. BritSniper saw the door next to him. It was labeled 'BASEMENTS' in large block letters.

Letting his curiosity get the better of him, he opened the door and ventured inside.


	5. Chapter 5

BritSniper trekked through the sprawling basements underneath the base. Dim lights shone through metal grates, illuminating his way. Water pooled on the concrete floor.

It was obvious that no one had been down here in years.

Many doors were set into the walls of the corridor, some of them marked, some of them blank, a few of them boarded up, and even one that was blown off of its hinges, evidently with some sort of shotgun, and was lying on the ground.

Stepping over it, BritSniper forged onwards.

And stopped.

There was light, radiating from underneath one of the doors.

All the rooms he had passed so far had all been dark and empty. At least, that's what BritSniper thought, as there had been no light coming from under the doors.

He opened the door. He didn't see the yellow warning sign on the door, nor did he see the large red letters that spelled 'DANGER: HIGH AMOUNTS OF RADIATION. DO NOT ENTER'.

Inside the door was a chamber of some sort. Another door, made of thick glass, led into a small space, which in turn had a door made of metal set into the opposite wall.

The light, which was very bright, was coming through a small window set into the metal door.

BritSniper looked around the room, and jumped in fright when he spotted the hazmat suits that were hung up on the walls.

Ignoring them after he'd gotten over his fright, he tried to open the glass door.

A mechanical voice sounded from a speaker above the door.

"Suit not detected. Please don a hazmat suit before entering chamber."

BritSniper, grumbling about how he did not look good in rubber, made his way over to the row of suits on the wall. As he found one that was his size, he noticed a tag on the suit.

'Class A. Manufactured 1959. Tyvek, PVC, teflon.'

Knowing his way around a hazmat suit or two, BritSniper was surprised. The basements were damn near falling apart.

But apparently someone had come and put state of the art hazmat suits down here.

BritSniper opened the door and stepped into the antechamber. Once the glass door had locked, the metal door opened.

Even when looking through the visor of the hazmat suit, BritSniper had to squint.

A sprawling network of machinery was laid out inside the room. Dominating the room was a large, metallic half-sphere with hundreds of pipes coming out of it and tens of valves and levers on it.

There were several bright yellow radiation warning signs plastered on the monstrosity. A window in the side of it, shining brightly with blue light.

BritSniper saw about eight control panels throughout the room. There was a single word on the largest panel.

'RESPAWN'.


End file.
